Dumb Love

A story I wrote all the way back in high school. I hope you enjoy it. I think it speaks for itself. First published in 2004.

Dumb Love - Matti McLean

Patsy walked along the sandy beach. The ocean was blue today, even bluer then usual, perhaps even 5% bluer, or maybe even 8%, certainly less then 10%, but definitely more then 4%, but maybe that was because the air was 45% fresher then normal. However the sky was only 23% as blue as it was yesterday. This of course meaning that there was about a 12%chance or precipitation in the form of tiny, burning acid drops. She could smell the fresh smell of salt in the air, and in her eyes which made them puff and turn a bright shade of red that made her appear to be high. Not that this was new on this beach considering the sand was made mostly of old syringes. She walked, feeling the soft sand beneath her feet, as well as the occasional needle which would pierce her skin and cause much discomfort as well as bleeding.
After walking for a little while she looked out to the sea and remembered back to two Saturdays ago…

“I shall return to you my love, I shall return.” said Charles Throw-aweigh to Patsy Pansypants as he walked up the ramp towards the large door of the boat. He was going away to Europe for the weekend and would return by the end of the week.
The christening was a joyous celebration and the large crowd watched as the ship started to sail deep into the night.
“I shall wait for you.” Patsy started to walk home with the crowd ignoring their pleas for mercy as the ship slowly sank deep into the ocean. “I shall wait.”

She looked out towards the sea longing for a sign from her man that he would return to her. Seeing only the stern of a sunken ship and a small man with a voice exactly like the man she loved waving enthusiastically back at her from the semi submerged ship she left for home. She stopped and looked out for a sign, anything from the sea that her man would return. It was black and she couldn’t see anything. Seeing nothing she started to return home feeling a little silly about the whole thing. She then turned out to sea one more time just to make sure and was knocked unconscious by a bat.

Patsy awoke by the most joyous words an unconscious woman could hear…

“Hey Earl, You hear about that sale at Henry’s shoe shop?”

Patsy arose to her feet, bloody because she had fallen in a large pile of broken beer bottles but un-hurt because the bat-man thingy had broken her fall. Leaving the bat there to die she ran off into town in search of the worlds most perfect pair of shoes.
She arrived at the shop and saw 25 pairs of shoes that were unimpressive, 35 shoes that would be good for every day things and 75 pairs of polka dot slippers, but nothing that really stood out as the world’s best pair of shoes. She turned the aisle and saw a small sign saying, “The world’s best pair of shoes” but quickly passed by them in favour of a pair of rainbow suspenders. She took the suspenders to the counter to purchase them when suddenly she heard a large explosion. A man wandered into the store as if he had just been in an explosion.
“Goodness Henry! What happened?”
After a moment of shocked silence, after he had wiped his soot covered face with his burnt arm he replied, “I don’t know.”

Patsy rushed out to the street expecting to see a large cloud of black smoke, but she couldn’t see anything through all the black smoke that was everywhere. It was as if something had exploded. “What happened?” she asked a passer by.
“The train exploded.”
“What train?”
“That train.”
“This train?”
“No, That train.”
“Which train?”
“which train what?”
“Exploded.”
“Something exploded?”
“Yes a train did.”
“Which train?”
“some train.”
“That one?”
“Maybe…”
“Hey, Where’d the smoke come from?”
“Maybe from the explosion.”
“What explosion?”
“The one from the train.”
“A train exploded?”
“Maybe.”
“Well how can we be sure?”
“I dunno.”
“I dunno either.”
“We’ll you’re a psychic.”
“No I’m not!”
“yes you are! It even says so on your business card.”
“So that’s what I am.”
“Can you help me?”
“How’d you get my business card.”
“I don’t know.”
“Me neither.”
“Well what happened?”
“With what?”
“The train.”
“What train?”
“The one that exploded.”
“A train exploded?”
“Maybe…”
“Well that would explain all this smoke.”
“What smoke?”
“The black smoke that’s all around us.”
“Oh this smoke.”
“yeah, it must’ve come from the train explosion!”
“Which train?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“Are you sure that its not the big pile of smouldering ruins over there?”
“Maybe I’ll go check.”
“Actually, are you sure you wouldn’t like some tea first?”
“I’d love some actually.”
“alright, here I happen to have some in my pocket.”
“how convenient! Do you have any boiled water?”
“I can’t say I do.”
“oh well that’s a pickle.”
“Yes it is, well we can just eat the tea bags.”
“sounds like a plan.”
“Cheers.”
“Do you have a kettle? And some water?”
“Why yes I do.”
“Where is it?”
“Oh its here in my pocket.”
“Give it to me.”
“why?”
“I thought we could boil the water with this flaming corpse at our feet.”
“What a marvellous idea, now we won’t have to eat the tea bags!”
So they boiled the water and had their tea. Afterwards Patsy said good bye and started to search the charred, flaming train wreckage for any survivors and by search I mean calling out for any survivors while staying far enough away so that she wouldn’t stain her new suspenders with blood.
Patsy walked through the black smoke looking for a sign that the smouldering black wreckage might be the train that just exploded. Just then she remembered that her father was on a train heading to this town, and that only one train came to town. She then realised that this train might have been carrying her father. She knew she had to do something so she called louder. Finally she heard a reply from her father.
“Darling it is me! You’re father!”
“How do I know for sure?”
“I know you love rainbow suspenders!”
“DADDY!!!”
“Now my darling girl, run and get help.”
“Daddy! How did you survive among all this wreckage?”
“Do not question the story teller just go get help.”
Patsy knew that there would be none who could help her father in this town as all the men were slight of frame and had a tendency to have their backs give out if they carried anything over ten pounds. So she did the only thing she could do.
“Daddy! I want you to know I have always loved you, and I hope that when you are looking down upon me from heaven that you will realise how wonderful of a daughter I was. Daddy, I’m going to miss you but I want you to know that I’m ok if you die, here pass me your wallet.”
The older man obliged and threw his wallet up to his daughter. “Why my child?”
“I’ll need the money when you’re dead.” And after a quick stop to the ATM machine she returned and threw him back his wallet.
Suddenly a tall handsome man appeared and for no apparent reason saved Patsy’s father.
“Oh thank you strong and strange man! Thank you! My heart is filled with gratitude that you pulled me out of that awful tornado!”
“Train wreck.”
“Right, that thing.”
“Who are you? We have never had some one so strong come near our villiage before… At least not willingly! And I to this day deny ever tying that man up and feeding him to the fish. Tell me, what brings you to this small town?”
“I am Johnny Hunk-aplenty, I am a traveling person with no real home and only one profession, professional life-saver. I was riding along in another train when this horrible accident happened. Alas, I have even lost my own shirt and my muscular torso, chest and perfectly chiselled abs are now exposed posing a danger to the sensibilities of the women in this town.”
“In honour of your tremendous courage we shall suffer through this tremendous indignity.” She said, dutifully suffering along with the large mass of women that have appeared.
“In honour of you saving my life, you shall stay at my house that is coincidentally a palace. Don’t you agree Patsy?”
Patsy appeared to be lost in thought, given at the direction of Johnny’s muscular chest. After a while she came to and the three rode in a large carriage to the palace.

Many nights passed, as did many days. Johnny grew accustomed to the palace and seemed to enjoy bossing people around. Provided the house had no servants so he never did get any of the things he asked for.
Patsy walked in on him looking into the sea.
“What is the allure you men have of the sea?”
“huh?”
“Why must you men always gaze into the sea?”
“Oh, I see a turtle in the reeds over there and I’m trying to spit on it.”
“I was in love with a man once.”
“Really? I always figured you as a dyke.”
“Don’t let my webpage fool you, I’m 95% straight.”
“Well what about this man?”
“He was a sailor. He rode on the mighty galleon… The Prissy Rainbow. It was a mighty ship, even though it was indeed pink and lime green.” She shuddered a bit at the thought. “But alas, his ship sank, and he died.”
“… I’m not dead!” a voice called from out in the open sea.
“So I guess I should go on with my life… Johnny!”
“Huh?” he asked, turning to her with a long string of drool hanging from one side of his chin. “Sorry, what? I wasn’t listening, to busy, look the turtle is mocking me.”
Upon saying this he felt Patsy’s hand smack him upside the head sending his spit flying into the wind and hitting Patsy in the face.
“I could never love you!” Patsy cried. She started to run away crying feeling her feet in the soft, soft sand, and on the occasional syringe that caused much discomfort and bleeding. Also the sea had swept up several hundred dead angry jellyfish that also caused much discomfort.

Back at the palace, the next morning Johnny came downstairs and saw Patsy’s father, Mr. Pansy bottom fixing breakfast.
“Ah Johnny, come sit have some breakfast. I’m no where near the cook my wife used to be but I can make a mean chocolate cake! Here, have some toast.”
Johnny took the blackened bread slice and thanked the man while eating his charred pancakes and sipping his blackened milk.
“Now Johnny this may surprise you but I am a quite observant person. And there are two observations I’ve made recently.”
“Oh?”
“I’ve noticed that my dear Patsy is falling for you.”
“Oh? Is she single?”
“Oh she had a love many moons ago. But he died in a terrible accident. The boat sank and no one was ever heard from again.”
“I’m not dead! Help me the sharks!”
“And also that you like to sleep in the nude.”
“oh yes that,” Johnny said affixing to himself a doily from the table.

Patsy walked along the beach. “Oh I can’t possibly be falling for Johnny.”
“Damn!”
“Johnny? what are you doing out here?”
“I’m getting back at that damn turtle.” He said showing her the several cases of dynamite he happened to be carrying in his back pocket.
Giving him a puzzled look, she decided to stick with her traditional freak out and run away crying through the broken syringes, jellyfish and a surprisingly large number of electric eels had also washed upon shore.
Just then it started to rain, not just ordinary rain but water that fell from the sky. A mighty wind picked up. Just then, as if she was some sort of magnet sharks, and fiddler crabs emerged from the sea towards her, panicked she ran straight into a forest where a bunch of bees, snakes and bears started to chase her. Then she was so scared she even ran into a rock, where a bunch of spiders, and maggots and politicians were hiding. Panicked, she cried out to the sea “Why did you have to die Charles? You could’ve saved me!”
“I’m not dead!”
“Yes you are! Now someone! Save me!”

Meanwhile, back at the turtle, “…save me…” Johnny ears picked up, “wow, I really shouldn’t have been able to hear that.” But needless to say, being a professional life saver, he prepared for a great battle.

A great battle ensued.

After, they celebrated and Patsy finally told Johnny that she loved him. However he had serious emotional issues and refused to marry her, but, with the help of the village people and their love for guns they forced him to marry her.
And she lived happily ever after while he suffered the tremendous indignity of wetting his pants at the wedding reception.

Inferno - Chapter one (end)

Jake held his breath as he entered his fathers office. He didn't mean to, it was just something that happened when he entered it. Unlike the very modern and clean black and white of the rest of the building, this office arched upwards opening into a giant cathedral-like building. The room was warm and wooden and in some instances could be considered beautiful. But to Jake, it only managed to do one thing, impel a feeling of insignificance.

Everything around the building boasted of his fathers wealth and extravagant power. The hall was long and wide and the desk was big and opulent. No expense had been spared from the large, heavy red drapes that framed the windows, to the larger-than-life portraits that hung on the wood panelled walls. Above him, taxidermied heads of bucks, moose, dear and exotic animals growled among the stuffed birds. Jake had always hated the birds, especially the impressive eagle that perched upon his fathers chair which appeared like more of a throne than a convenient place to sit. Its black feathers always seemed to be poised and ready to strike at any moment.

As Jake got closer and closer to the desk, he could slowly hear his fathers voice becoming more clear. It was a deep and powerful voice that always seemed to have hints of anger and disappointment in every word.

“I think there's a way we can work this out.” The voice continued in a conversation that Jake couldn't hear. “Contact Jezebel tomorrow morning. Until then be sure to send those numbers along and we'll do what we can regarding... Very well. Goodbye.” His father hung up the phone and swung his chair around. “What?” He asked, his voice dripping with contempt.

The bluntness of the question struck Jake like a slap of cold water. There wasn't much that connected him to his father. They both had similar colour in their eyes, and their hair shared the same golden hue, but little else was similar between them. His father was a thin and stern man, and his face reflected his character; harsh lines and a permanent frown set upon his narrow lips.

“I was just wondering...” Jake said quietly.

“Speak up boy.” Jake clenched his fists.

“I need help with...”

“Is this a money thing?”

“I was hoping...”

“Hold on.” His father got up, a frown on his face as he walked to Jezebel who hung in the doorway. They exchanged hushed words, and after a moment of hesitation, she nodded slowly and left the two of them alone in the room. “Stand up.” Jake did. “What is it you need to talk to me about?”

“Well...” Jake started, but now felt too intimidated to continue. He didn't like to feel like he was wasting his fathers time, but whenever he was alone with him it was inevitably how he felt. He shifted uncomfortably as he bit his lip. “I need your help.”

“If this is school related I'm no help to you.” He said bitterly.

“It's not that it's just...”

“Is it a girl?”

“No, dad, it's not a girl... If you'd just...”

“I don't have time for juvenile trivialities.” He said coldly. “Is this really important?”

“It's just... Something is happening to me...” Jake struggled to connect with his fathers cold eyes but they continually eluded his gaze. “I can't explain it but I had a feeling you'd know...”

“Puberty?” his father spat. “You want to learn more then read a book about it. You're fifteen, I figured you'd be past all that confusing bullshit by now.”

“It's not that... It's... Well I mean it's not like that... as such...” His father looked at him with his cold icy glare. “I've been having these dreams...”

“Your metaphysical subconscious is not my concern.” He said.

“These are different...” Jake stumbled over the words he tried to say, but he could feel the resolve he felt earlier melting away in his fathers cold, commanding presence. “It's like they mean something. I know they do but I can't...”

“Go home.” His father said. “I have work to do.”

“But...”

“That was not a question.” He pressed a button and began to speak into the desk. “Jezebel, I'm done here. Confirm my six o'clock.” His father snapped his black briefcase shut, picked it up and walked to the doorway where Jezebel was waiting with his coat. Without turning around to say goodbye he followed Jezebel out leaving Jake alone in the office.

His breath trembled from a combination of rage and neglect. His hands shook as he grasped at nothing. Why could he never say anything to the man? He stifled tears with his teeth as he clenched them. Defeated, he got up to leave, but was stopped when he heard what sounded like a closing door behind him.

Surprised by the strange and out of place sound, he looked over to where it had come from. Seeing only an old bookshelf he turned to leave again when the sound returned, this time emitting a strange click. His interest was piqued and he slowly and cautiously made his way towards the bookshelf. With a thorough eye he examined the big, thick dull books as if looking for something that could've made the sound. Strange how he never noticed them before. He had expected books on the law or business, but instead it was crammed full of classic mythology. Shakespeare sat beside Virgil and Ovid on the shelf begging Jake to take them off and examine them for himself. For a moment he was tempted to read through them and had to fight the compulsion several times to take one down and peruse its pages. He pressed his hand up to a copy of the Aeneid when suddenly a book from a higher shelf fell off and landed beside his feet. It was a dull red and very old with yellowed pages and a threadbare cover. Curious at the book that had mysteriously almost clocked him on the head, Jake bent down and picked it up.

He flipped the book over to see it was a copy of Dante's “The Divine Comedy”. He looked up to where it had fallen from and saw the space between a copy of Beowulf and the Songs of Experience. He reached up to place the book back, and as his hand connected with the shelf, he could feel something like a small switch on it. Curious, he thought to himself...

“What are you still doing in here?” A voice came from the doors of the office. Jake froze.

“Uh...” He said withdrawing his hand from the strange switch and looking towards the doors, where a large, tough-looking security guard was standing with his arms crossed and a very angry look on his face. The guard rolled his eyes and motioned for Jake to follow him. Reluctantly he did so, feeling a little bit foolish for staying behind, but also wondering what could be behind that switch.

Inferno - Chapter One (Continued)

It was raining. Just like it had done in every cheesy movie Jake had ever seen. The ground was wet and splashed all over his fanciest shoes and slacks. He was soaked, from his head, to every element in his tux. He shifted uncomfortably as the limo waited for him to bring him to the reception. Everyone else had left, but he needed to get something off of his chest.

This was the way it always was, right? The son, alone at his father funeral, standing in the rain above his father freshly buried casket. It was a beautiful tombstone for what it was. A large seamless piece of granite big enough to house a family. It was polished to a brilliant shine. Everything about it was like his father had been in life. Large. Majestic. Intimidating. Cold. Dead.

As Jake clenched his fists, he stared at the large slab of stone that had once been his dad. He wanted to tear it down. He wanted to smash it. He wanted to kick it down and grind the pieces into a dust so fine that no one else would ever need to see it. Anger bubbled inside of him until it was too much to hold in. Climbing upon the base, and with a brutal force he kicked the granite tower causing a burst of pain to reverberate through his leg. He clenched his foot in his hands and cursed the tomb before collapsing on the larger than life words that announced his fathers life to the world.

He couldn't win a fight against a tomb. He had never won a fight against his father in his life, and he certainly wouldn't win any in his death. With a quivering sigh, a burst of anger and sadness overcame him and he whispered the last words he would ever say to the man.

“I hate you so much.”

He stood up. Wiped the wet off of his slacks as best as he could, and walked over to the limo. Giving one final look up at the tombstone, he spit on the ground, and vowed never to return.

Inferno - Part one

Chapter one of Inferno.
One of my resolutions was to try to be more constant and update this with at least two new items every month. Hope you enjoy!

Inferno - Chapter one

He woke up with a start. He had fallen straight through his dream and landed with a start in his body. He'd fallen asleep outside of his dads office again. The clock ticked, echoing loudly through the hallway he occupied. He lifted his body off of the plush, black leather couch that smelled of cigars and ink and tried to shake himself awake. With a yawn, he checked his watch; how long had he been asleep? Pressing one hand against his temple, he tried to fix his hair as he waited for any sign of life from behind the thick wooden doors that blocked his fathers office.
“Jake, what are you doing here?” Naomi asked. Jake looked over to see his old babysitter walking by the door to his fathers office. She wore her dark hair in a bun and walked towards him to give him a hug. Jake begrudgingly stood up and hugged the woman he once called nanny, and let her turn him around to take a look at him. “You've certainly grown.” She said with a laugh. Jake felt his stomach turn slightly. “If you're waiting for you're father...”
“I have to wait, I know.” Jake said with a grunt. He didn't like being treated like a child; much less by someone who had watched him grow up. She looked taken aback for a second, before allowing another sweet smile to settle on her bright red lips.
“Of course.” Was all she said. “I'm sure he'll be by shortly. I have some things I need to do.” She said motioning down to stack of papers in her hand with a nod. “You... well, come by more often. I want to know how everything is going. Do you have a girlfriend yet?”
“Stop.” Jake said as he shrugged out of her reach. “Alright, alright I'll stop.” She said suppressing a slight laugh. “It's good to see you again.” She reached over, despite his silent protestations, and gave him the best hug she could muster with only one arm. “Be good.” She said touching his cheek for a moment before turning back towards the door.
“I'll try.” He said as he sat back in the chair. She smiled at him one final time, sighed, and left the room. Jake readjusted himself on the seat, as if doing so would put him back into whatever mood he was in before this. However, before he could settle the large oak doors opened and two figures walked through the door.
The first was Jezebel, his father's personal assistant. A beautiful, yet somehow dangerous looking woman. Undeniably attractive, she could have easily been a model had she not possessed an intelligence sharp enough to cut a man in half. Her long black hair always hung loose around her face and her make up was always applied in the most seductive way possible. She wore glasses which only seemed to enhance her enchanting emerald eyes and her skin was the perfect combination of ebony and ivory. The other man was someone Jake had never seen before. Tall, pale and balding, the man wore an old fashioned suit and hat that seemed to have stepped straight out of another time. He affixed the hat to the remnants of his ice blond hair, slicked back to give him a snake-like appearance, and leant his weight on a long black cane. Jake half expected the man to pull a monocle and place it on over his searing ice blue eyes.
“...So if you have any questions,” Jezebel said as she held the door open for the snake man. “Do not hesitate to call us.”
“Thank you madame,” he said in a thick French accent. “I will be sure to do that.” The man seemed to notice Jake for the first time and immediately dropped his voice. Jake couldn't tell what he was saying, but Jezebel nodded a few times. When the man seemed to be fully satisfied, he buttoned his jacket and exited the room. Jezebel looked at Jake and nodded.
“Your father will see you now.”

Official Ignition Preview

Okay, so this is kind of exciting for me.
I'm officially releasing a sneak peak of my upcoming novel "Ignition".
I wont release any details on this chapter but I hope you enjoy it.
I'm not sure how I'll be releasing "Ignition". I'm hoping that Brighter Books will pick it up, but I also need to make sure it is out in time for Fan Expo. A delicate balancing act to be sure, but hopefully one that pays off.
Here you go: Feel free to leave a comment or whatever... I always appreciate them!

IGNITION - Preview (rough draft) - Matti McLean

There was a loud rattling sound; like the world had exploded beneath his feet. Before he knew what was happening, the blackness that had blanketed him dispersed. He did not know where he was, but he did know that he was not alone.

“Hello?” He called out to the darkness expecting an answer. When no one responded he called again, this time trying to be more forceful.

“I heard you the first time,” the darkness responded. Strange that it sounded distant and bored by Micah’s intrusion into the limbo he now fund himself in. Micah looked around, but could only see grey. He couldn’t feel anything around him; as if he was floating in midair.

“Who said that?”

“I’m a friend... I think.” The voice was so quiet that Micah could hardly hear him. “Are you the one who’s coming to save me?”

“Highly unlikely.” Micah said as he tried to take in his surroundings. “Where am I?”

“I think you’re lost.”

“How observant of you.” Micah said calling out to the massless void. “Where are you?”

“I can show you if you’d like.” The voice said. Suddenly the surroundings began to change. Shapes began to form and shift around and he watched as grass began to appear below his feet. Clouds began to appear as a sky took shape above him. The world around him came into view, and it didn't look friendly. Everything around him looked distorted, as if nature itself had turned malicious. He took a few steps through the grass and found it rough and harsh against his ankles. Before long he found himself on an old dirt path which he followed until it lead to an old, ragged bench. It looked to have been a bright, white bench at some point; but was now tattered with chipped paint and splinters with a single ragged balloon hanging from its planks. The bench overlooked a massive cliff that lead down to a series of dark waves that churned angrily below him.

“No one else has ever been here before.” The voice said calmly, and as Micah looked up he finally realized who he was talking to. There, standing in front of him was a boy who looked to be no older than thirteen. His hair was brown and ragged, and his face had big, brown, sad eyes that looked wise beyond his years. “Makes me wonder how you got here. What do you want?”

“I don't even know where I am.” Micah said.

“So you want to know where you are?”

“Well... yes. To start.” Micah said.

“Alright. But you'll have to ask nicely.” The boy said without a trace of irony in his voice. Micah looked at him with disbelief for a moment before realizing that the boy was actually being serious.

“Where is this place?” Micah asked.

“It’s my world.” The boy said with a mix of pride and dread.

“It wouldn't be my first choice.” Micah said as he brushed his hand against what looked like a painted tree. It's bark was rough and jagged on his skin.

“It's not mine either.” The boy said as scratched at his hand. “It used to be nice.”

“What happened?”

“The world happened and now... I don't really know... I can’t control it anymore... I'm sorry...”

“Why are you apologizing?” Micah asked.

“I can normally control these things.”

“What do you mean?” Micah asked. “Who are you?”

“I’m Jude.” The boy said.

“I'm Micah.”

“I know.”

“And how do you know that?”

“I just do. I know lots of things. I can do things...” the boy stopped himself from saying anymore, but Micah could tell by the look on his face that he wanted to share.

“What kind of things?”

“Don’t worry, you’ll find out soon enough.” Jude said. “I mean you’re here now... That has to mean something.”

“I’m sorry, I’m really not following any of this.”

“You don’t have to. Not yet anyway. All will be explained soon enough I guess. Or maybe you just figure it out. I don't know...” He looked out across the ocean at something Micah couldn't see and sighed. After a moment he spoke again. “This is my place... It’s where I go to escape.”

“Not very friendly.” Micah said.

“It used to be...” The boy said, and suddenly, for a second Micah saw this world as it used to be. The sky was clear and bright with gentle clouds scattered between the sunlight. The bench was a freshly painted white with two balloons tied to the back. The grass was green and lush and stretched as far as the eye could see behind them, while the cliff in front of them overlooked a crystal clear ocean that was still enough to see to the bottom, even from such a wondrous height. Then, as soon as the vision had appeared, it vanished. The world flipped back and Micah felt a sense of dread like a snake hanging around his shoulders.

“You shouldn’t be here.” Micah said. “We should go somewhere safe.”

“Safe?” The boy laughed. “This is the future. We can't stop it from coming. We can’t avoid it, we should probably just face it head on.” Jude pointed toward the horizon at a series of dark clouds. “A storm is coming.”

“So I'll get an umbrella.” Micah said reaching his hand out to the boy. He wasn't sure where he was going to go, but he knew he had to take Jude away from here.

“We are the umbrella.” Jude said. Just as Micah was about to make contact with him, his hand vanished off of his body leaving just an arm. There was no pain, but he could feel himself slowly being erased from this world. Then Jude began to dematerialize right before his eyes and the two of them watched as the world around them dispersed into nothingness. “If you want to help you'll find us.”

“Us?” Micah asked. “Where do I find you?”

“Just wake up.”

“What?”

Cd Review : Marit Larsen "Spark"

So I've always wanted to write cd reviews. I find the experience of listening to a cd both enchanting and incredibly rewarding. Being able to connect with the artist in such a delightful and beautiful way is almost always enchanting. Upon discovering Marit Larsen's new cd "Spark", I knew that this was the cd I wanted to start with. I hope you enjoy my first non-fiction piece here!

Marit Larsen's "Spark" - By Matti McLean

There are few artists I hold in such reverence as Marit Larsen. I have been a fan of her unique voice since she was one half of the musical duet M2M with Marion Ravn, but have also had the unique privlage of growing up alongside her music. From her early days as a pop star, to her excellent solo cds (Under the Surface – 2005 and The Chase – 2008 respectfully) I have grown alongside her and her unique portrayals of love, loss and life. All this leads up to her latest, and in my opinion, her finest cd to date, “Spark” which was released this November.

“Spark” is a much different cd than her previous two. Marit Larsen has always been defined in my mind by a subtle, beautiful voice that was as poignant as it was exciting. Her lyrics almost always played in sharp contrast to her light and joyous melodies. In opposition to her bright, playful melodies, she arms her poignant lyrics with a sense of impenetrable optimism that seeps through every fabric of her writing.

In “Spark”, we see a more mature outlook on life. Marit sings of harsher realities, more troublesome problems, and all things considered speaks in a much more mature voice on more mature problems. While issues of love and life have been discussed in her previous albums, in “Spark” they contain a much more potent and bittersweet message. The songs this time are gentler, and have a much harsher, lived in quality to them. For the first time, Marit seems to embrace her pain and the heart aches of growing up. Her songs have a new haunting quality to them that is both shocking and cathartic.

In typical Marit Larsen tradition, upon my first play through of her cd, I was almost disappointed. “Spark” initially lacked the quick and easy catchy tunes of “Under the Surface” and initially I thought it lacked the complexities of “The Chase”, but as time went on and I spent more time with the cd, I realized that “Spark” could be her finest and most complex cd yet. The messages of the cd and the songs run much deeper than I could have initially anticipated and as a result, Marit has crafted her finest cd she has yet created.

Some of her finest songs on the cd deal with issues of past relationships, which is an issue that I feel rings particularly close to my life right now. The songs “I can't love you anymore” and “Last night” could be among “To and end”, “Fuel”, “Walls” and “Solid Ground” as the best songs in her repertoire. Her voice echoes more true when she sings with an air of mellancholia, and it's a tone that seeps through her album from the bittersweet opening of “Keeper of the keys”, to the reminiscent ending of “That day”. Her lyrics are reminiscent of Jewel, Joni Mitchell, Stevie Nicks and Sarah Mclachlan all rolled into an etherial voice that carries the songs with such emotion that they become richer with each subsequent listen.

The cd is not without it's faults. Her first single “Coming home” initially lacks the killer hooks of “Don't save me” and “Only a fool”, but despite this the melodies are undeniably catchy, and the lyrics surprisingly sweet providing a nice contrast to the heavier lyrics of other songs on the album. “Have you ever” is a strange offering, pairing an undeniably peppy tune with a somewhat depressing subject matter in a way that is shockingly similar to some of her earlier songs, and “Me and the highway” and “Don't move” seem to be almost out of place on this album. At the same time, their levity is almost needed as the album would be almost depressingly heavy without their infectious hooks.

Overall, “Spark” provides a unique experience that is the logical next step for Marit Larsen. The lyrics are bolder and more personal, the package is more polished and the overall effect of the album is one of heavy emotional turmoil, wrapped in a beautiful package of excitement and bittersweet memories. I have often found emotional catharsis in Larsen's music, and am pleased to find myself continually enrapt in the soulful emotional bliss of her growth in “Spark”. If you are a fan of folk or haunting female voices, I cannot recommend this cd enough.

Well Haiku week may have been a failure, but I did find something interesting...
Last year for Design and Colour (yes, it was an actual class) I did a mockumentary for Vitamin Water. Those who know me in depth will probably know I have a bit of a hate-on for the crap, but just in case you didn't, I wrote a little skit about it which I'd like to share with you now. It was a short thing so don't expect something too crazy.

Vitamin Whater? by Matti McLean

Do you get thirsty? Do you like water? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be alive! But next time you go to fill up on regular water think again! Because you haven’t tried anything until you try vitamin water!
What makes vitamin water so special? Well in regular water, we don’t put a bunch of random shit into your water. With vitamin water, we do! How do we know it’s better? Just look at the bottle! This bottle of “not” vitamin water is clear! And this bottle of 100% vitamin water is yellow! Just like your piss!
How do we know it’s better? This incredible beverage has the word vitamin in the title, which means that it must be ! And it’s even packaged better. Forget sinks and filtered water, now you can drink your water out of a bottle that only costs 1000% the price of drinking from a tap! Delicious!
So throw away your vitamin supplements, kiss fruit goodbye and prepare yourself for a life of unbelievable energy and excitement with new vitamin water! Scientifically proven to be a beverage!
Now in diet! For all the fatties out there.