Dumb Love - Matti McLean
Patsy walked along the sandy beach. The ocean was blue today, even bluer then usual, perhaps even 5% bluer, or maybe even 8%, certainly less then 10%, but definitely more then 4%, but maybe that was because the air was 45% fresher then normal. However the sky was only 23% as blue as it was yesterday. This of course meaning that there was about a 12%chance or precipitation in the form of tiny, burning acid drops. She could smell the fresh smell of salt in the air, and in her eyes which made them puff and turn a bright shade of red that made her appear to be high. Not that this was new on this beach considering the sand was made mostly of old syringes. She walked, feeling the soft sand beneath her feet, as well as the occasional needle which would pierce her skin and cause much discomfort as well as bleeding.
After walking for a little while she looked out to the sea and remembered back to two Saturdays ago…
“I shall return to you my love, I shall return.” said Charles Throw-aweigh to Patsy Pansypants as he walked up the ramp towards the large door of the boat. He was going away to Europe for the weekend and would return by the end of the week.
The christening was a joyous celebration and the large crowd watched as the ship started to sail deep into the night.
“I shall wait for you.” Patsy started to walk home with the crowd ignoring their pleas for mercy as the ship slowly sank deep into the ocean. “I shall wait.”
She looked out towards the sea longing for a sign from her man that he would return to her. Seeing only the stern of a sunken ship and a small man with a voice exactly like the man she loved waving enthusiastically back at her from the semi submerged ship she left for home. She stopped and looked out for a sign, anything from the sea that her man would return. It was black and she couldn’t see anything. Seeing nothing she started to return home feeling a little silly about the whole thing. She then turned out to sea one more time just to make sure and was knocked unconscious by a bat.
Patsy awoke by the most joyous words an unconscious woman could hear…
“Hey Earl, You hear about that sale at Henry’s shoe shop?”
Patsy arose to her feet, bloody because she had fallen in a large pile of broken beer bottles but un-hurt because the bat-man thingy had broken her fall. Leaving the bat there to die she ran off into town in search of the worlds most perfect pair of shoes.
She arrived at the shop and saw 25 pairs of shoes that were unimpressive, 35 shoes that would be good for every day things and 75 pairs of polka dot slippers, but nothing that really stood out as the world’s best pair of shoes. She turned the aisle and saw a small sign saying, “The world’s best pair of shoes” but quickly passed by them in favour of a pair of rainbow suspenders. She took the suspenders to the counter to purchase them when suddenly she heard a large explosion. A man wandered into the store as if he had just been in an explosion.
“Goodness Henry! What happened?”
After a moment of shocked silence, after he had wiped his soot covered face with his burnt arm he replied, “I don’t know.”
Patsy rushed out to the street expecting to see a large cloud of black smoke, but she couldn’t see anything through all the black smoke that was everywhere. It was as if something had exploded. “What happened?” she asked a passer by.
“The train exploded.”
“No, That train.”
“which train what?”
“Yes a train did.”
“Hey, Where’d the smoke come from?”
“Maybe from the explosion.”
“The one from the train.”
“A train exploded?”
“Well how can we be sure?”
“I dunno either.”
“We’ll you’re a psychic.”
“No I’m not!”
“yes you are! It even says so on your business card.”
“So that’s what I am.”
“Can you help me?”
“How’d you get my business card.”
“I don’t know.”
“Well what happened?”
“The one that exploded.”
“A train exploded?”
“Well that would explain all this smoke.”
“The black smoke that’s all around us.”
“Oh this smoke.”
“yeah, it must’ve come from the train explosion!”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“Are you sure that its not the big pile of smouldering ruins over there?”
“Maybe I’ll go check.”
“Actually, are you sure you wouldn’t like some tea first?”
“I’d love some actually.”
“alright, here I happen to have some in my pocket.”
“how convenient! Do you have any boiled water?”
“I can’t say I do.”
“oh well that’s a pickle.”
“Yes it is, well we can just eat the tea bags.”
“sounds like a plan.”
“Do you have a kettle? And some water?”
“Why yes I do.”
“Where is it?”
“Oh its here in my pocket.”
“Give it to me.”
“I thought we could boil the water with this flaming corpse at our feet.”
“What a marvellous idea, now we won’t have to eat the tea bags!”
So they boiled the water and had their tea. Afterwards Patsy said good bye and started to search the charred, flaming train wreckage for any survivors and by search I mean calling out for any survivors while staying far enough away so that she wouldn’t stain her new suspenders with blood.
Patsy walked through the black smoke looking for a sign that the smouldering black wreckage might be the train that just exploded. Just then she remembered that her father was on a train heading to this town, and that only one train came to town. She then realised that this train might have been carrying her father. She knew she had to do something so she called louder. Finally she heard a reply from her father.
“Darling it is me! You’re father!”
“How do I know for sure?”
“I know you love rainbow suspenders!”
“Now my darling girl, run and get help.”
“Daddy! How did you survive among all this wreckage?”
“Do not question the story teller just go get help.”
Patsy knew that there would be none who could help her father in this town as all the men were slight of frame and had a tendency to have their backs give out if they carried anything over ten pounds. So she did the only thing she could do.
“Daddy! I want you to know I have always loved you, and I hope that when you are looking down upon me from heaven that you will realise how wonderful of a daughter I was. Daddy, I’m going to miss you but I want you to know that I’m ok if you die, here pass me your wallet.”
The older man obliged and threw his wallet up to his daughter. “Why my child?”
“I’ll need the money when you’re dead.” And after a quick stop to the ATM machine she returned and threw him back his wallet.
Suddenly a tall handsome man appeared and for no apparent reason saved Patsy’s father.
“Oh thank you strong and strange man! Thank you! My heart is filled with gratitude that you pulled me out of that awful tornado!”
“Right, that thing.”
“Who are you? We have never had some one so strong come near our villiage before… At least not willingly! And I to this day deny ever tying that man up and feeding him to the fish. Tell me, what brings you to this small town?”
“I am Johnny Hunk-aplenty, I am a traveling person with no real home and only one profession, professional life-saver. I was riding along in another train when this horrible accident happened. Alas, I have even lost my own shirt and my muscular torso, chest and perfectly chiselled abs are now exposed posing a danger to the sensibilities of the women in this town.”
“In honour of your tremendous courage we shall suffer through this tremendous indignity.” She said, dutifully suffering along with the large mass of women that have appeared.
“In honour of you saving my life, you shall stay at my house that is coincidentally a palace. Don’t you agree Patsy?”
Patsy appeared to be lost in thought, given at the direction of Johnny’s muscular chest. After a while she came to and the three rode in a large carriage to the palace.
Many nights passed, as did many days. Johnny grew accustomed to the palace and seemed to enjoy bossing people around. Provided the house had no servants so he never did get any of the things he asked for.
Patsy walked in on him looking into the sea.
“What is the allure you men have of the sea?”
“Why must you men always gaze into the sea?”
“Oh, I see a turtle in the reeds over there and I’m trying to spit on it.”
“I was in love with a man once.”
“Really? I always figured you as a dyke.”
“Don’t let my webpage fool you, I’m 95% straight.”
“Well what about this man?”
“He was a sailor. He rode on the mighty galleon… The Prissy Rainbow. It was a mighty ship, even though it was indeed pink and lime green.” She shuddered a bit at the thought. “But alas, his ship sank, and he died.”
“… I’m not dead!” a voice called from out in the open sea.
“So I guess I should go on with my life… Johnny!”
“Huh?” he asked, turning to her with a long string of drool hanging from one side of his chin. “Sorry, what? I wasn’t listening, to busy, look the turtle is mocking me.”
Upon saying this he felt Patsy’s hand smack him upside the head sending his spit flying into the wind and hitting Patsy in the face.
“I could never love you!” Patsy cried. She started to run away crying feeling her feet in the soft, soft sand, and on the occasional syringe that caused much discomfort and bleeding. Also the sea had swept up several hundred dead angry jellyfish that also caused much discomfort.
Back at the palace, the next morning Johnny came downstairs and saw Patsy’s father, Mr. Pansy bottom fixing breakfast.
“Ah Johnny, come sit have some breakfast. I’m no where near the cook my wife used to be but I can make a mean chocolate cake! Here, have some toast.”
Johnny took the blackened bread slice and thanked the man while eating his charred pancakes and sipping his blackened milk.
“Now Johnny this may surprise you but I am a quite observant person. And there are two observations I’ve made recently.”
“I’ve noticed that my dear Patsy is falling for you.”
“Oh? Is she single?”
“Oh she had a love many moons ago. But he died in a terrible accident. The boat sank and no one was ever heard from again.”
“I’m not dead! Help me the sharks!”
“And also that you like to sleep in the nude.”
“oh yes that,” Johnny said affixing to himself a doily from the table.
Patsy walked along the beach. “Oh I can’t possibly be falling for Johnny.”
“Johnny? what are you doing out here?”
“I’m getting back at that damn turtle.” He said showing her the several cases of dynamite he happened to be carrying in his back pocket.
Giving him a puzzled look, she decided to stick with her traditional freak out and run away crying through the broken syringes, jellyfish and a surprisingly large number of electric eels had also washed upon shore.
Just then it started to rain, not just ordinary rain but water that fell from the sky. A mighty wind picked up. Just then, as if she was some sort of magnet sharks, and fiddler crabs emerged from the sea towards her, panicked she ran straight into a forest where a bunch of bees, snakes and bears started to chase her. Then she was so scared she even ran into a rock, where a bunch of spiders, and maggots and politicians were hiding. Panicked, she cried out to the sea “Why did you have to die Charles? You could’ve saved me!”
“I’m not dead!”
“Yes you are! Now someone! Save me!”
Meanwhile, back at the turtle, “…save me…” Johnny ears picked up, “wow, I really shouldn’t have been able to hear that.” But needless to say, being a professional life saver, he prepared for a great battle.
A great battle ensued.
After, they celebrated and Patsy finally told Johnny that she loved him. However he had serious emotional issues and refused to marry her, but, with the help of the village people and their love for guns they forced him to marry her.
And she lived happily ever after while he suffered the tremendous indignity of wetting his pants at the wedding reception.